Things people say on Facebook Marketplace

A woman is illuminated by her Macbook screen as she sits in bed musing things people say on Facebook Marketplace

Things people say on Facebook Marketplace regarding my listings, often make me laugh. They want to buy it … or do they?

Partly because it’s difficult to convey tone via messaging.

Partly because Melbourne is such a melting pot of cultures, languages and expectations.

Partly because the Marketplace app makes it pretty easy for users to express interest in an item which they may not even intend to buy. Prospective buyers tap a button with mild curiosity (and sometimes by accident). Sellers enthusiastically reply and wonder why the ensuing conversation or lack thereof, is so strange.

And partly because let’s face it, people can be weird.

Things people say on Facebook Marketplace

“Where are you located?” Um it’s in the map view of the listing and also I wrote the suburb name explicitly in the description. I do that so I don’t have to keep answering the same question. And yet here we are…

“What is your address?” Before they have even given a time to pick it up. Creepy. Surely suburb is enough for you to consider whether it’s convenient. If I gave my address to half the people who asked this I couldn’t sleep at night. And I’d sure as hell lose track of who is going to be knocking on my door.

“What time can I come?” Now would be good! But that’s never possible (I often ask). So if you have time constraints why don’t YOU tell ME what you want to do. I have no idea what your schedule is.

“SOLD I love this” and then they ghost you. Of all the things people say on Facebook Marketplace, this can be one of the most deflating.

“Can you post it?” Um technically yes, but posting 5 kgs of Lego and losing my mind trying to package it will cost you $1200. So actually no.

“What are your bank details?” And then I provide them and they fall silent. Hello – have you paid? Are you going to pay? (5 days pass) Can I sell to someone else? Hellooo?

“I really want this but I’m still in bed” Um okaaaay, your call buddy.

“Can you take some more photos of it?” Why do the people who ask this never end up purchasing?

“I’ll try and swing past this week, can you hold it?” My house is not a free storage facility dude, if you want it you pick it up or at the very least you pay for it.

“Can you halve the price?” Um, just no. You can see it was listed literally 2 minutes ago, why would I do that?

“Can you take a photo of the garment on?” Of things people say on Facebook Marketplace, this is the most annoying. Um, I guess so even though it’s a size too small and I haven’t shaved my legs and I just ate a big lunch. Fast forward one hour and I am at home wearing a cocktail dress that I am unable to get off. And the photo is very unflattering.

“I’ll come and get it after work” Sweetie I have no idea where you work or when you finish so your comment is almost meaningless. Also in this category are claims you will come “later today” or “soon”. For the love of god give me an approximate time.

“I notice the item we talked about yesterday is now marked as Sold – is that to me?” Um no fine sir because if memory serves me correctly you didn’t want to pay for it or pick it up.

“Can you call me about this? (provides number) What do you think this is – 2006? Nobody talks on the phone any more. Even Tinder chats take longer to move onto phone. What on earth is there to discuss?

“What else are you selling? Lots of things! And I spent lots of time making the listings with pretty pictures. If you click on my profile you can see them all. That way we don’t have to chat about it while my phone is constantly pinging with the interactions of similarly-annoying queries.

“Can you meet me in (insert far flung suburb?)” Yes I can but I don’t want to. Therefore I charge an additional $20 for this service … at which stage the conversation immediately falls silent.

“May I please be considered?” This is often written on Facebook posts with no private message accompanying. The politeness is endearing but this ain’t a dinner dance in the 1800s. Are you coming to pick it up or not? If you are, send me a message with a pickup time.

“What do you mean it’s taken – you said I could have it” Yeah but you ghosted me a week ago and it was free and I wanted it gone so… This is why I always put No Holds in my listings to minimise expectations. A first-in-first-served policy is important for my decluttering goal and for my sanity. Nevertheless people still get shirty.

“I am outside” (for the arranged pickup). This isn’t a game of Pokemon Go where all you need to do is find a location. Please knock on the door or ring the doorbell to make the transaction. For one thing I don’t watch my Messenger App like a hawk and for another, it’s not Maccas drivethough. You’ll need to leave your vehicle.

Says nothing, silently sends you a screen grab of the same item with a lower price Why don’t you buy that one then? Ah ok it’s in America and has a $500 shipping fee.

It can be great to get big things out the door and sometimes $20 here and $30 there gives people a real incentive to declutter. As a Decluttering Coach, I am certainly supportive of that. Also Marketplace ensures targeted re-housing which is a good thing. But the interactions can be weird.

Check out Lubalin’s real life Marketplace interaction as a funny tune.

Things people say on Facebook Marketplace – to be continued.

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